When is enough, enough…. (She’s back!)

When is enough, enough…? {She’s back!}

Hi people, its been too long, but hey I’m back ( don’t know how long for) with a bang, I hope  growing, changing maturing in life’s challenges moving from black and white to understanding shades of gray or at least acknowledging there are shades.

I will be doing a series of issues that I have a passion for but have talking about on this blog, but feel its time to now. As always the purpose is to bring to the light what is in the dark, for that is the only way deliverance can first start. When you know that what ever issue you have is not new and many others have or are going through the same thing reduces the intensity of the challenge.

In this series we’ll all reason together for I don’t claim to have the answers but when we talk, share together in truth and a clear honest and open mind keeping it real all the way, we learn.

Reality 1:

After  nearly 20yrs of marriage Linda walked out, this is a lady we all look at her marriage and family and marveled , her beautiful children her husband who always had nothing but praise for his wife, so understandably we were shock and sad about it.

some said she should not have given up and that divorce was the easy option, some sad there is nothing that God could not do so why break the home, some said she was selfish and that it would miss up the kids, some said what ever it was could she not bear it and wait till the children where older?… and many more was said to her and around her ,and for sometime Linda was not seen from all for a while, but come this faithful summer afternoon in walked Linda on her “ladies that lunch” meeting visibly upset with a teary eyes yet clam. As she walked in and stood before the ladies she said “when is enough, enough! I was faithful and devoted for all the years I was married, supported my husband in his dreams, counted pennies with him, did not put pressure on him was not demanding. I was not perfect but was willing to grow together in love. I stayed at home and raised our children and manage the home, all by choice, to give the very best of me, that was my contribution to the stability of our home. I cooked and cleaned for him, out of love not duty but as an expression of my love for him. What you all did not know was how I had to survive for years with a man that phonghapy was his other love, do you know how that could affect ones self esteem as a wife and have no one to talk to about it, cos of the shame and embarrassment attached to it and even a sense of protecting him and the family, not wanting to talk about our problems and keep the façade of a perfect family and always hoping that things will change and get better someday

. Do you know how many fights we had cos I asked him to stop, all he would say is” it was just pictures that is means nothing” but I knew once he started looking that this the next thing would be to act on it…Do know how a woman feel when she know and have even walked in on him looking at other naked women having sex, does that not count as adultery in his mind I ask you? That not enough, his drinking under when his stressed and then physical abuse… do you know what it feels like for the man that says he loves you one minute to be hitting on you the next do you know how demoralizing that could be? …and for this to happening for years…When I think of it I should have left the first day he slapped me for no good reason. Remember my daughters first birthday when I had the black eye and I told you all I fell…. Well now you know it was no fall.

When is enough, enough? When his sleeping around with not one, two or more different women…is it till I am infected with HIV then I could be released for this contract? Is the contract not broken the minute he had slept with another that was not his wife?  To top this I got no support for my dreams like how I had stood by his. My dreams were nothing but “little hobbies” to keep me occupied not a career that required time and energy to concentrate and develop, he did not but expected a housewife for ever (which was for a season)

When is enough, enough? After he had fathered a child outside of our marriage(and that’s the one I got to find out, what about the ones I don’t know or would never know)… I had had enough my ladies; to you I should pray and ask God for help… I did and still do, but first I need to accept and identify what was wrong and break out of a mind of denial, shame and hopelessness, I am fighting now for my mind and sanity … I am sure we had many a good time, but now I can not remember I can not let depression step in to my life anymore for year I have battled with that, to the point when death stated looking attractive, No more! My life is worth more than his wife or there mother, there is more to me even if you want to call me selfish maybe its time to think about myself, just maybe…

As she carefully wiped her eyes and picked up her bag and calmly walked out of the restaurant with a stride I had never seen her in before, some would call it a swagger.

…so when is enough, enough?

Keeping it real let the conversation begin.

Hi people, its been too long, but hey I’m back ( don’t know how long for) with a bang, I hope growing, changing maturing in life’s challenges moving from black and white to understanding shades of gray or at least acknowledging there are shades.

I will be doing a series of issues that I have a passion for but have talking about on this blog, but feel its time to now. As always the purpose is to bring to the light what is in the dark, for that is the only way deliverance can first start. When you know that what ever issue you have is not new and many others have or are going through the same thing reduces the intensity of the challenge.

In this series we’ll all reason together for I don’t claim to have the answers but when we talk, share together in truth and a clear honest and open mind keeping it real all the way, we learn.

Reality 1:

After  nearly 20yrs of marriage Linda walked out, this is a lady we all looked at her marriage and family and marveled. Her beautiful children her husband who always had nothing but praise for his wife, so understandably we were shocked and sad about it.

Some said she should not have given up and that divorce was the easy option, some sad there is nothing that God could not do so why break the home, some said she was selfish and that it would miss up the kids, some said what ever it was;could she not bear it and wait till the children where older?… and many more was said to her and around her. For sometime Linda was not seen by all for a while, but come this faithful summer afternoon in walked Linda on her “ladies that lunch” meeting visibly upset with a teary eyes yet clam. As she walked in and stood before the ladies and said “when is enough, enough! I was faithful and devoted for all the years I was married, supported my husband in his dreams, counted pennies with him, did not put pressure on him was not demanding. I was not perfect but was willing to grow together in love. I stayed at home and raised our children and manage the home, all by choice, to give the very best of me, that was my contribution to the stability of our home. I cooked and cleaned for him, out of love not duty but as an expression of my love for him. What you all did not know was how I had to survive for years with a man that phonghapy was his other love, do you know how that could affect ones self esteem as a wife and have no one to talk to about it, cos of the shame and embarrassment attached to it and even a sense of protecting him and the family, not wanting to talk about our problems and keep the façade of a perfect family and always hoping that things will change and get better someday.

Do you know how many fights we had cos I asked him to stop, all he would say is” it was just pictures that is means nothing” but I knew once he started looking that thisl the next thing would be to act on it…Do know how a woman feels when she knows and have even walked in on him looking at  naked women having sex, does that not count as adultery of the mind I ask you?

That not enough, his drinking when his stressed and then the physical abuse… do you know what it feels like for the man that says he loves you one minute to be hitting on you the next do you know how demoralizing that could be? …and for this to be happening for years…When I think of it I should have left the first day he slapped me for no good reason. Remember my daughters first birthday when I had the black eye and I told you all I fell…. Well now you know it was no fall.

When is enough, enough? When his sleeping around with not one, two or more different women…is it till I am infected with HIV then I could be released for this contract? Is the contract not broken the minute he had slept with another that was not his wife?  To top this I got no support for my dreams like how I had stood by his. My dreams were nothing but “little hobbies” to keep me occupied not a career that required time and energy to concentrate and develop, he did not but expected a housewife for ever (which was for a season)

When is enough, enough? After he had fathered a child outside of our marriage(and that’s the one I got to find out, what about the ones I don’t know or would never know)… I had had enough my ladies; to you I should pray and ask God for help… I did and still do, but first I need to accept and identify what was wrong and break out of a mind of denial, shame and hopelessness, I am fighting now for my mind and sanity … I am sure we had many a good time, but now I can not remember I can not let depression step in to my life anymore for years I have battled with that, to the point when death started looking attractive, No more! My life is worth more than his wife or their mother, there is more to me and you may choose to call me selfish, maybe its time to think about myself… just maybe.

As she carefully wiped her eyes, picked up her bag and calmly walked out of the restaurant with a stride I had never seen her in before, some would call it a swagger.

…so when is enough, enough?

Keeping it real, let the conversation begin.

The Woman in me (Reply to comment)

dallenia Says:

October 23, 2007 at 12:39 am e  well girl what can i say i’m so so happy for you. that the lord found you the right one indeed.
well girl i wish could say the same for me. well the last time i thought i found the right one girl .he did me wrong. he play the act he was so so nice.and then play the hard to get. i never fell inlove by my self, but it happend to me now it been,8 month i cant forget him why i dont know.it feels like acurse.i ask god to forget but he still on my mind. everyday. it like ”a never ending storie”the thing that hurt me the most i’m scared of leting myself go and be wo.  

Dear Dallenia    

 I feel for you and wish I could tell you that the experience was all about my guy but rather he was simple the vessel that God used to touch me. The poem is about my transformation process, it is the result of the journey I had to go through with God in order to let go of my fears and issues about marriage so that I can come to the place of not seeing marriage as a prison. A place where woman are nothing but slaves or so I thought but now I can see marriage differently , I now see it as a place of safety and security where I am free to accomplish all that I can be. I have finally crucified the Jezebel (the controlling spirit) in me and I have taken the mantle of Sarah, a woman of faith whose trust is in God to make any changes in her man necessary. I am free to simple love.    

As for your guy all I can say is break the soul tie and move on. If my guy were to leave today, I would be hurt but I would move on and be eternally grateful to him. What I have learnt is so valuable and precious, at times God is interested in the process and not necessarily the end result. The feelings I have is based on God’s perspective, it is about agape love, a love that has God at the centre of it. While we were yet sinners God loved us, so my guy does not have to attain a standard or do something for me to feel what I am feeling. It is looking and feeling with the eyes of God.

Be encouraged and wait for God he will bring the right one, it is well worth the wait. In the meantime let God help you deal with your issues and make you whole. There are many women out there but a woman like me, one who know her value is one in a million. I guess the truth question is how do you value yourself as a woman?   

Blessed.

The Woman in me

                                                                      

…..Meet a woman in love

The Woman in Me

Situations has cause me to hide

Circumstances has changed me

The world has caused me to turn away from the woman in me.

I look around and see women

Incomplete women, lonely women

Women who have something missing in them

I see women acting like men

Women with the {WO} missing in them

I should know I use to be one of them

But a touch from the right man

A word from my love is all it takes

And the woman in me comes out.

Oh what a wonderful feeling it is to be a woman

To have my {WO} back again

It is okay for me not to be so strong

It is okay for me to have emotions

It is okay for me to lay down my life

And to let the man be the man

It is okay because I am loved and accepted

The woman in me feels safe and secure

What a joyous feeling it is

What a restful feeling

What a peaceful feeling it is

To be a woman again

I can safely say, perfect love cast out all fears
I can safely say, love makes all the difference

I can truly testify that the love of the right man is all it takes

Woman, heed my advice

Wait for the right man, there is no feeling like it

Wait for the right one and be the woman God has created you to be

Wait it is worth it, just to see the transformation take place in you

Wait, it is worth it, just to have the burden lifted off

Wait and see the salvation of the Lord

Let him bring the right one

Let him bring that one

Whose voice causes your heart to skip a beat

Whose touch causes your knees to weaken

Whose words brings out the best in you

Wait it is well worth the wait

The love of the right man makes

You feel like you can do anything

The love of a right man

Inspires the woman in you to experience new things

It causes you to aspire to be the best you can be

A Woman

That is all you need to be

A Woman

That is who you were made to be

So my prayer is that one day

You meet someone like my love

And for the first time

Yes I can say it

My lord

Who will bring back the {WO} in you

And cause you to dare to be a woman again.

Author: Blessed Oluwayemi.

Woman that do it for me…finale

Cece Winans- When I listen to her music it always ministers to me, she comes across like one that is a true worshipper- one that loves the Lord with all her being giving Him the praise in every way. Apart from being an award winning artist (six times Grammy awards winner), Dove award winner, Soul train award winner and actress… she is also a teacher and mentor…Her album Throne room is my all time favourite, not just the melody but the words always bring healing and joy to my soul, I feel sometimes listening to her songs and feel like I am intruding in her personal time with God. I most admire about her is a passion for the youth, especially young girls. In Oct of 2005, Cece developed and hosted the Always Sisters conference which focuses on support for young women ages 13-26yrs, where she offered words of encouragement and self esteem was discussed. This is her passion that young women will walk in the fullness of God glory and self worth of their everyday lives. At the conference she presented the young ladies with tiaras as a token to the girl, She said…”My prayer was that they know God and know who they are”…”He is the only one that can really teach you who you are, how beautiful you are, how powerful you are, that you deserve the best and not to settle for less” This are the kind of things I like to see and hear..Older women mentoring the younger ones and empowering them on who (we) are as women/princesses and should be treated as one by ourselves and others. Cece has been married for over 21yrs with two children (boy/girl) Cece the wife and mother has managed to balance her personal and professional lives with relatives ease….this for me is a woman living a life with purpose. 

 Oprah Winfrey- Born January 29, 1954 is the American multiple-Emmy Award winning host of The Oprah Show, the highest-rated talk show in television history. She is also an influential book critic, an Academy Award -nominated actress for The Color Purple. And a magazine publisher of O, The Oprah Magazine and O at Home. She has been ranked the richest African American of the 20th century, the most philanthropic African American of all time, and the world’s only black billionaire for three straight years. She is also, according to some assessments, the most influential woman in the world {} raised in rural poverty by her grandmother, born out of wedlock by a mother who was a housekeeper and father a coal miner, at the birth of Oprah, but later became a councilman. Regardless of background and a challenged home life she was able to rise above it all at 13yrs received a scholarship to attend Nicolet High School in the Milwaukee suburb of Glendale, Wisconsin after which she won an oratory contest, which secured her full scholarship to Tennessee State University, a historically black institution, where she studied communication. This is a woman that has accomplished so much in the world of media I could go on, but what I would like to spotlight and truly admire is her Leadership Academy for Girls  in South Africa, she intends teaching a class via satellite. Oprah is not married, but instead has been in longstanding relationship of over 20yrs with partner Stedman Graham. She never had children of her own but had this to say about the girls of her Leadership Academy….”I never had children, never even thought I would have children. Now I have 152 daughters; expecting 75 more next year. That is some type of gestation period…I said to the mothers, the family members, the aunts, the grannies — because most of these girls have lost their families, their parents — I said to them, “Your daughters are now my daughters and I promise you I’m going to take care of your daughters. I promise you.”   

I found doing the research for this list quiet reflective and it sure did reinforce things about myself that I am absolutely sure are no coincidences anymore… all the women that I admire, truly sum me up …Out of the box, Passionate, Motivational, Strong, Natural nurturers, Called to run “their own” race, Unique with a large heart of service to others and effective to their immediate society and the world!

 None of these women are perfect and have made mistakes in their lives, they have had their share of challenges and adversity, but it never stopped them…

Life must have purpose!

Who inspires you? 

Who do you admire?  

 And Why? 

Woman that do it for me…#2

Bimbo Odukoya-The very first time I saw this fast talking, energetic and passionate woman on my tv screen, I had to stop and listen, after which I had to know more about her and what drives her….She was about marriages and how to have a good one which was an interest of mine. Pastor Bimbo Odukoya was (for she is late now) an Evangelist, motivational speaker, marriage counsellor and mentor to many Nigerian youths. Apart from her teaching through the Singles and Married programme, she was also a writer and author; she has columns in several national and international including ThisDay, CityPeople, and Leadship and life style based in the UK. Her columns dwell primarily on true life experiences of both the good and bad side of married and unmarried people. Before her untimely death on in a plane crash on the 10^th of Dec 2005, she was the associate senior pastor of fountain of Life Church and President of Discovery for Women; a ministry the motives and challenges woman to discover there purpose in life and maximize their God given potential. She was married to Senior Pastor Taiwo Odukoya and had three children. May her soul rest in peace….Amen.  

Adesuwa Onyenokwe- Is it possible to just like someone you have never met? Well in the case of Adesuwa Onyenokwe, it was so. The very first time I  came across her was through her TV programme called Woman Today. Her voice was so calm and I just loved her manner and presentation…very lady like and wholesome in her opinions and views. I love the way she carries herself… with such dignity, not trying to be anything she not, she stands out in the fakeness( if that’s a word ) that is called Nigerian “celebrity”(IMO)   this was confirmed by a family friend, when in conversation her name came up and I was saying how very dignified and mature she comes across. Adesuwa read drama for her first degree at the Obafemi Awolowo University Ile-Ife, and followed it up with a master’s degree in Language Arts at the University of Ibadan in Nigeria. Her show Today’s Woman has become a source of inspiration to many women. The show was created to help fill the void at the time of lack of understanding the womenfolk and also give them a voice. She is quoted as saying “”The bottom-line is to show that there are many women out there who have such God-given qualities as empathy. And you know that to make a good leader, you have to empathise. We are good managers because by nature we manage two roles: motherhood and wifehood,” Her ideal concept of today’s woman is somebody who is in total union with God and with self, to the extent that she is beneficial to humanity. This is why she features on her programme women who should serve as role models to others, especially the younger ones. Since she started presenting Today’s Woman on TV in 2000, many women of substance who have made their mark in the society have been featured {taken from an interview with Newswatch}. Born August 8, 1963, in Ibadan, Oyo State, Onyenokwe is the fifth of eleven children, she is married to Ikechukwu Onyenokwe, an engineer and management consultant with 6 children (3boys and 3girls)

2 to go …

Women that do it for me…

 As part of Black history month in the United Kingdom, I would like to present Seven Black Women I admire and would like to celebrate …. 

1- Mrs Clara Onelum, You may not all know her but I do, she is my “mummy” She is an inspiration and note worthy.She is passionate and devoted to her children and family, an example of a woman, Classy, hardworking and committed. My mother has always been my first role model. She worked in the bank for 16yrs, refused promotion so as not to be away from raising her then very young  children, So to keep herself busy and fuel  her entrepreneurial spirit, she qualified as a hair dresser/stylist from Revlon in the States, opened her own salon first in the house and then later expanded it to a shop next door with a dressmaking section to it…she had a wholesale distributorship too all she did from home…no matter how busy she was we always sat together for our meals which she cooked ( that left a lasting impression on me) she was able to be a mom and also be productive and fulfilled…she later went to catering school and qualified as a chef which she did in the UK until she retired 5yrs ago…but that has not stopped her. I could go on but will stop there

 2-    Nike Davies Okundaye – Now when Vanity Fair was looking to have “African” Icons on its cover why was Nike not part of it I say! She can only be described by me with one word as an enigma! She is naturally talented and creative. She is one of Nigeria’s most successful contemporary artiste, and the very few to gain international reputations as an artist and designer, all this from a woman with no formal training. At a very young age learnt indigo weaving and dyeing ( Adire) from her great-grandmother. She refused an arranged marriage and ran away with a theatre group. To read more about how she gained independence and escaped the violence and abuse of her first husband and how she has developed a centre of the arts in Lagos, Oshogbo in Ogun state and Ogidi in Kogi state of Nigeria and also how she is helping rural women gain financial freedom as well as build up their self esteem by training them in the arts of Adire. http://nikeart.com/main.htm  and read her biography http://blackartstudio.com/Nikespage.htm  

3- Maya Angelou- She is a woman of great substance and elegance a true beauty. She is one of many of the contemporary voices of literature…Her poetry, like one of her own many titles are just “Phenomenal” (Phenomenal Woman is my all time favourite poem of hers) she is an historian, bestselling author, play write, civil-rights activist and I hear producer and director too…The beauty of her words and lyrical flow just blows me away..Her original name is Marguerite Johnson. Her book I know why the caged bird sings was about her childhood,  spent between her grandmother in rural, segregated Stamps, Arkansas and St.Louis, Missouri where her mother lived, her rape at 8yrs by her mother’s boyfriend  to age sixteen and with the birth of her son, by the time she was in her early twenties she was a Creole  cook, a streetcar conductor, a cocktail waitress a dancer, a madam and unwed mother, the following decades saw her emerge as a successful singer, actress and playwright, an English-language magazine in Egypt, a lecturer and civil rights activist. In 1993 Angelou gave a moving reading of her poem On the pulse of morning at Bill Clinton’s Presidential inauguration which gave her wide recognition

Poetry break….

Phenomenal Woman

Pretty women wonder where my secret lies. I’m not cute or built to suit a fashion model’s size But when I start to tell them, They think I’m telling lies. I say, It’s in the reach of my arms The span of my hips, The stride of my step, The curl of my lips. I’m a woman Phenomenally. Phenomenal woman, That’s me.I walk into a room Just as cool as you please, And to a man, The fellows stand or Fall down on their knees. Then they swarm around me, A hive of honey bees. I say, It’s the fire in my eyes, And the flash of my teeth, The swing in my waist, And the joy in my feet. I’m a woman Phenomenally. Phenomenal woman, That’s me.Men themselves have wondered What they see in me. They try so much But they can’t touch My inner mystery. When I try to show them They say they still can’t see. I say, It’s in the arch of my back, The sun of my smile, The ride of my breasts, The grace of my style. I’m a womanPhenomenally. Phenomenal woman, That’s me. Now you understand Just why my head’s not bowed. I don’t shout or jump about Or have to talk real loud. When you see me passing It ought to make you proud. I say, It’s in the click of my heels, The bend of my hair, the palm of my hand, The need of my care, ‘Cause I’m a woman Phenomenally. Phenomenal woman, That’s me. Maya Angelou

3 down 4 to go…

Yesterday…

Yesterday I said a enough is a enough!!

Yesterday I decided to truly trust in Him

Yesterday old struggles that tried to rise up where put down

Yesterday pains and worries where put back on the altar (not looking back, this time)

Yesterday a rebirth, not looking to man, but to God, for He knows the beginning and end of me…

What are you going to leave in your yesterday?

 Stay strong people…..   

Madea’s words of wisdom (lol)…”many a true word is spoken in jest”

Did i ever say how much i enjoy Tyler Perry’s stage plays with his principal character “Madea” which he plays.  

 This clip is  from the stage production called….  Enjoy

http://myspacetv.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=vids.individual&videoid=1963735

7yrs…

 

 

On  one rainy Sunday morning  they both came together gather with friends and family to say “again” and renew their earlier vows to themselves….This time they did not repeat what was presented to them as is done, both each wrote their hearts commitment towards the other.

She said- in a sea of tears (for she can be emotional like that)…

I in the present of God, family and friends… I promise to comfort, encourage, and do you only good, as long as there is life within me. I promise to pray for you and lift you up before God. I promise to be the wife, mother, companion, friend and lover that you will be proud of. I promise to help meet and accomplish the purpose God has given you. I promise to reverence and honour you, to love you with the God kind of love. The love without conditions and not based on emotions. I promise before God, family and friends that I will not tolerate resentment and unforgiveness eroding what we are building together. I am thanking God for He has already given me the grace and empowerment to keep my vows to you.

He said-Holding back the tears, but a little making its way down the side…

I vow to sit in the presence of El-shaddai .To deliver His wealth, counsel and wisdom so we can raise Godly seeds, worthy soldiers in the last day army of Jesus. I vow to continually show my gratitude and appreciation for the early sacrifices you made to make our life together possible. As I thank you for your continuing devotion and faith, please know that you have all my gratitude, respect and love. For you have been a wonderful inspiration, support and help. My vow is to continue to find newer and fresher ways to give you everything a woman of virtue like you deserves. I thank the Father and you for the gifts which you made my life complete.

Since then 7yrs ago, many trails and tribulation have come, storms and floods have shaken the foundation of their love, marriage and even faith …yet they STOOD!

Never settling for second best and compromises, brutally honest with themselves (that was what made them unique), they said hurtful and sometimes unforgivable (but forgivable by grace)things to one another, things  they never thought  they would ever say to one another …did things they never thought they would do to one another…yet they STOOD!

It has been beautiful never the less, there union has be blessed with little angels from above( naughty sometimesJ)  each with their  unique contribution to the fold, with a bound of love for one another that could never be broken….and they STOOD!

They stood, for they kept it real…in their case it seemed it had to get bad (real bad before it could get better) or should I say fantastic!  To solve a problem and enjoy the benefits, one has to get to the root cause, be honest, get good council and deal with it… Ignorance and darkness is where the evil one lives and breeds, but in God there can only be truth and light to set you free…

True freedom and joy in a marriage comes with a price… one of sacrifice, honesty, openness and most of all Love! (Not puppy, butterflies in my stomach love) but the Love of God… that says” I will love even when I don’t feel like” “I will love you, cos I am committed to you”

….By the Lord’s grace and mercy they loved one another, stood by one another, was gracious and understanding.

Now years have passed, they are older (ok, more mature) there love has and is “maturing” into fine wine and not fizzy pop! …with each year there love grows stronger and sweeter!

So when you see them and say … I want a marriage like so and so…..you at better ask them there journey and see whether you are ready to travel that road or better still, just ask God to show you your own road and how to make your own marriage work for you!

Every marriage and every couple is unique and will be refined by their own unique FIRE!!

Blessings.

                    

Is Romance necessary?…..To Romance Or Not To Romance ?

 

 A says:
Why do you want romance?
Is it because of other wives or because this would give you personal happiness?
I don’t think you truly understand your hubby when he says he is tired.
I have always wondered why some men who are matured, financially empowered and are ripe for marriage cringe at the word marriage. These are but one of the reasons;
The constant self cantered demands that are engineered from seeing other wives. If this man satisfy this romantic demand, I am sure you something else would come up;
Neighbour X’s wife is driving the latest Bima or she is wearing the best cut diamond.
Why not change those programs that constantly demand without taking the others into consideration?
 B says:
“What do you want romance for” you say
Incredible!…so money, and a big house, hard working and ambitions man is all a woman should desire in a marriage.
It is thinking like this that makes women have affairs with their driver, houseboy or any other available person that shows her a tiny bit of affection.
You talk about the makeup of a man….what about woman?
The older generation (our parents) a lot of our mother where never happy or enjoyed the relationship with their husbands…but they stayed (which is one thing this generation needs to learn) but they were not allowed or encouraged to say “this is what I like”.
They were taught duty but not the value of intimacy in marriage … sex was just for procreation not to be enjoyed.
The wife here is asking for romance from her own husband….the boy should be lucky she still looking at him for that…
Marriage is about growing  old together in every aspect of the relationship…romance and intimacy is very, I repeat very important in marriage … even the bible agrees, supports and encourages it … go check out the lyrics of my man Solomon!
A says:
You don’t answer my questions so I don’t know what to say but answer yours.
1) The woman is the one making the demands here not the man if it were the man I would say the man should understand the woman.
2) How do you know our mothers were never happy? What gives them this happiness the unending self centred demands. Women of old have learnt through this same societal influences to understand their hubby. No wonder the very minute percent in divorce rate as compared with the magnitude of divorce rate we have today.
3) The woman is taught duty not romance. i don’t understand what you mean by taught duty not romance. If a woman goes to another man for pleasure, then the whole concept of “FOR BETTER FOR WORSE”, that women keep on calling doesn’t come to play.
I don’t know about you but the fundamental issue here is the Self centred program running in the ladies system, this needs to be reverted to other-centred program.
Why quote Solomon of all people; I am sure you would not advocate your man to follow his route.
I think I have to rest my case

B says:
1) She is not making a demand; she is suggesting improvements for the enjoyment of her relationship with her husband.
2) I know that base on a majority of our mother relationship with her husband, a lot of us come from a generation where the man had women outside the marriage and the wife knew and could do nothing about it, The girlfriends outside the marriage satisfied a softer more “romantic” side for the men.
I know cos of the kind of advice you her them give … things like what you’re saying … all the attention and all the feelings to consider is for the man only.
Yes, I agree totally with you that there were fewer divorces. Our mother paid a big price for their children, but you see we the children will like to improve on what our mothers did, that is what progress should be all about. We have a lot to learn from our mothers, but still we have additions of our own and so will our daughters.
3) Long suffering, perseverance and duty to the family, to the collective was very much pushed…and remember a lot of that generation came from polygamous family, so the idea of one man one woman was not familiar…(the different wives satisfied different needs for the man) the younger the wife the more tender and affectionate.
I was not advocating affairs; all I was saying is things like this could contribute to that happening.
Both couple should desire intimacy in marriage…getting to know one another, what makes the other tick.( Love in action )
Solomon was not perfect…but he did things to that we could learn from.
A we are saying similar things…all I am saying is intimacy (romance encourages it) is just as important as duty, faithfulness, loyalty and longsuffering in marriage
A says:
I believe we would just keep going in cycles because you are adding various things that are not pertinent to the discussion.
Why do you say the mothers paid a great price?
I don’t want to go on and on but that paradigm is flawed.
Imagine a man goes to the farm, labours under the hot sun to provide for his family and comes back home and his wife (wives) want romance.
Romance ko, romance ni.
This kind of thinking would always end up in divorce – comparing you with another, demanding without taking the other person into account; this is the route to total disaster.
B says:
My dear,
it’s thinking like this that make people think that African men are not affectionate or romantic….I disagree.
We have words for love and affection, word that are endearing to ones love… i.e. in Yoruba language we have Ayanfe okan mi, Ibo language Ifunaya ( spelling may be wrong) :)  just to mention a few
(Please I would like any more to be posted, Ibo, Yoruba, Hausa, Edo ….) 
Any man that says his wife does not have need for romance should keep a good eye on her  cos – I no know who no like better thing! ( I don’t know who doesn’t like good things) 
 

In comes C saying:

I think A is trying to attack a root cause, and B is trying asking why the leaves are dry. I think the answer lies in a combination of what you are saying, then a little extra. Here are my views.
1. Yes I agree with the fact that a self centred paradigm will create issues. But I also believe that no matter how other centred you are, you can still trace it back to self. If a man and a child are in a place and a snake appears, the man will probably go for the child, pick her up and then run. This would show that he is not self centred right? Try putting his child and another, then you’ll discover that the reason he went for the child was because it was “my child”. People are selfish by design! We can try and work ourselves up to transcendence, but even when we are beginning to leave our lives for others, it is because we have a need to do it. We can only work around this, the ideal is a point we should all tend towards.
2. The need for romance is a real need. In marriage, husband and wife must settle down to understand each other’s needs (this is where they need to first be other centred, not the wife alone, both of them). An adage in Yoruba says that a man wouldn’t have pounded yam at home and disturb eba outside. The reason why couples begin to look for avenues to satisfy their needs outside is because a) they are immature and aren’t willing to try and try until it works and b) they do not have pounded yam at home or c) the pounded yam does not satisfy their needs anymore. I speak figuratively here. The reason why a guy or lady continues to remain faithful even when his or her needs are not being met is either a) he/she fears God, b) he or she is doing it for the children, c) the opportunity is yet to present itself, d) he or  she is a mungun ( fool)
3. If the guy labours all night, works all day, makes money for the house and the wife asks for romance… (I dare say when the guy works so hard, he rarely gets home and falls asleep, he wants something…but he wants it too fast for the lady. He has real needs, but is willing to meet another need, he feels after all i have worked hard and NEED this little favour )…he has met a basic need – food, shelter e.t.c – but there is still a need to be met, your wife needs a romantic husband. I think when you do a why analysis on the other centred paradigm, the bulk should stop on the man’s quarters. After all, even though Eve played a principal role in the fall of man, Adam was still held responsible. I think men need to get a grip. The number one reason family fail is weak leadership – and leadership doesn’t mean telling others how things ought to be done!
4. What is making divorce more these days is women liberation. Back in the days, they could just stick with it. Nowadays, the rights are equal. She can walk out as well. The generation of our grandmothers ( for we young people) stuck up with a lot of ****. The effect of this? Weak men and weak sons. And society is reaping the fruit of it. The generation of hit and run, the 2 mins indomie and microwave generation. Immature, weak willed, easily seducible men. I think Mr. Unromantic is the product of this generation. Why does he have to work it out at home, when he can simply go for a business strip and get more for less?
The family system needs healing, let’s raise a standard! Do I have a witness?
B says:
I bear you witness!!! Hear! Hear!
I agree totally with all you have said, bar one.
I don’t believe romance is a leaf issue but part of the root system.
In every marriage the couples should first be friends, friendly to one another, to achieve good friendship, intimacy will have to involve, time will be spent together, just like how to know God we spend time with him, we study His words so we know what He likes and dislikes, so we can be pleasing to Him, because we enjoy our time shared…this brings us closer to Him. We are then able to share and partake in His vision and purpose for us and others.
Romance is not just about flowers and cards and dinner dates…romance fuels friendship and intimacy which build a better relationship, which brings a couple together, makes them one in their attitude, it unites them….helps build trust. (Two necessary foundational bricks in marriage)
When a couple is united and they are `agreed, when the storms and winds come (which will come in every marriage at one time or another) they will stand!
So, this is why I still hold on to the stance that, romance is part of the root system in building a solid foundation in marriage.
A says

I don’t believe the romance that  B defining has anything to do with intimacy. She already narrows her choices to what she sees other wives doing which provoked my making my comments. She said she wanted flowers, cakes, etc and does not regard a man helping at home as romance. All is in the thoughts of the giver and the beholder.
If I spend time with my wife, gisting(making small talk), cooking together with her, going to the market and relaxing with films occasionally. If she is so happy with this arrangement, is this not romantic enough.
But then, the issue starts when she sees her neighbour getting flowers and cakes and the neighbour’s husband is not doing the cooking, gisting, etc. She is not privy to this info, only sees the cakes and the flowers and complains (excuse me, nags) that the man is Mr Unromantic.
What B wrote about is not a root issue; it is a paradigm issue – looking at another to define your happiness.
The relationship is heading to a disaster unless she repents.

B says:
“If I spend time with my wife, gisting(making small talk), cooking together with her, going to the market and relaxing with films occasionally. If she is so happy with this arrangement, is this not romantic enough”
A if your wife says to you her husband that all that is romance to and for her, then you are just fine with that for your relationship…( you communicate to your wife in her love language) she is happy and so are you, but if you ask her and she says that is not so for her, then as a good partner you should try to make sure that you are communicating the same or required love language of your partner.
I have never seen or heard where a couple are making effort to please one another ever end in disaster!

…the debate continues, what is your take?

Investment in re-connecting…The Wife,The Mother,The Lover too!

 

Romance and a good sex life help fuel a marriage, so it cannot be neglected. I think it’s a good idea that we recharge our romance from time to time to keep the flames going…

Sex and romance in marriage does not have to be boring and predictable, but fresh and exciting!

Before the romance rules of engagement in marriage are rolled out, what has to be in place first are the 3c’s

Communication…  Communication… Communication…

Honest communications of what each of you like or dislike. Your wants and needs. There should be time of experimenting, to get a feel for what suits you or your spouse.

 Other things  take up the time for romance in a marriage…kids, work, business or general day to day running’s.

We make time for the kids, work and church activities, but not for romance in our marriage…all our energy and time is spent on other parts of the marriage life and none for romance, then we wonder why so called happy marriages run into trouble, why the love is lost after sometime and you hear couples say “we have lost that spark we use to have” or “the honeymoon period is over”.

Why will it not be over and the spark gone when we stopped doing what kept the spark and made the honeymoon so sweet? Get all your senses going and begin…

The rules of re-engagement are as follows:

1) It is more than sex!

2) Sight… Turn your bedroom into a love nets (the bedroom is not just for sleeping) make it into your little oasis hide away. Decorate it with fresh flowers or artificial ones whatever suits your fancy…keep it clean and clear of clutter. Let you imagination run wild in there, remember it’s your hideaway oasis.

3) Smell…Get the room smelling fresh. Smell affects the way we feel and react, so get that going again…Find out about aromatherapy oils…a woman should always be smelling fresh…and guys we like you just as fresh and clean too.

4) Sound…Music is always a great mood changer… get the right sound going be it jazz or any other instrumental, find out what you both like to hear that is relaxing…Ladies, your voice is another great tool, so use it, tone it down if you naturally speak loud, let him know you are in a romantic mood by your tone and if you naturally speak softly … well your already a steps ahead.

5) Taste…They say the way to a man’s heart is his stomach, well if, even Esther knew that, and we saw how being the perfect hostess did the tick for her in disarming her enemy. Cook him is favourite meal just for him or surprise him with something different an example could be finger food, like feeding him fresh fruits (yes I said feeding each other)

6) Touch…Oh! Yes the touch…from the moment we are born the touch is important. When a child is hurt they run to their mother for a hug to comfort. We enjoy and look forward to this, be it by a hug, or a kiss or a caress. Touch helps form a connection between husband and wife, do you notice how when you are not happy with your spouse you don’t even want to touch them or be touched by them. I read an article that said a touch, like a kiss or a hug arouses the tiny blood vessel beneath the skin…(Be careful who you are touching o!) Remember it’s your own wife or your own husband. Giving each other massages is a way of connecting by touch, you can either learn how to give a good massage or just go with what you feel (it is all about the touch) so you don’t need to be an expert, but it can be handy in learning pressure points to add to the relaxation.

So let’s get back to the rules of engagement and reconnect with our HUSBAND OR WIFE. ( I know this is directed to my sister-friends but hopefully the guys can pick up a few things too)

… reinvest in reconnecting! Don’t just think about it….act!

If not married yet, good tips for the future..

I Love You just the way you are….Really?

Yemisi was “the babe” in campus, slim figured long legs very attractive and brainy too. After graduation she married her Uni sweet heart Michael…he was equally fine in looks and brains, they both complimented one another very well ( well that was my opinion)

Now she and Michael had been dating for about 4years and engaged the last year…Michael was so in love with her and she to him… anyone that knew them could see that, they were inseparable. We all attended the wedding, a most romantic and beautiful affair.

So you could understand my surprise to learn that they were separated… you know how rumours can be. I did not want to believe, until this faith day, I was walking out of a supermarket on the high street when I bumped into Yemisi…the girl was like a  size 16 ….she was still pretty but I just could not understand her weight gain…we exchanged numbers and agreed to met up at her place for Lunch the following day.

We had a pleasant meal, then sat down to catch up on our lives… she came out straight with it and told me she was now separated and in the process of a divorce …the expression on her face said it all … she was still getting use to the idea and not happy about it at all.

She now had 3 children and was working with one of the Telecommunications company in the City….I had to ask her what the reason of the break down in her marriage, many things crossed my mind, could it be infidelity ( it is most of the time ) it could not be children, she had 2 two boys and a girl. To my amazement, she said… I became to fat for my husband o! What? Are you serious? I exclaimed… she continued that as she started having children the weight piled on and became difficult to shift… but her husband kept telling her, he loved her just the way she was so she did not feel the need to do anything about it…Soon he stopped touching her, sex was none existent until one day he said he did not want to be with her and that he did not find her attractive anymore, all this after 8yrs of marriage. She said she did all to loose the weight, but by then there was no love left in her husband heart for her…

I ask, should that be enough to end a marriage. Should that be enough to stop loving your partner?

Would a woman divorce, if her husband became over weight? Or are men only driven to love visually? I wonder?

Peace out all….Leave you with that for a couple of weeks

Calling grace home…

               

                                                   

“All your life you live so close to truth it becomes a permanent blur in the corner of your eye. And when something nudges it into outline, it’s like being ambushed by a grotesque” 

- Guildernstern

 

I really wish some women would stop fooling themselves. We live in a time where the truth is now up side down…we have become so cultured and advanced that we think we can question nature… yes! Nature. God made, God created, God Ordained Some things are so just because that is how it is made…there are exception to the rule, but that is what they are exceptions.I love getting in to dialogue with women that think they have all the answers… single, independent, up-wardly mobile and in there early to mid 20’s.They think they have all the answers… and because they may be successful in one area of there life,  now think that is all life is about… money and academic or career success…That is all good and I admire that and should be celebrated, but to deny that you are nurtures and  love beings, drawn to companionship is a lie!

It is sad that, in these day a lot of people are being raised in a single parent homes, some men are so iresponsible that girls grow up not knowing what is it to be look after, lovingly protected.  Instead they grow up guarded, wounded , scared emotionally and do not want to have anything to do with a man. They now feel like every man should be treated like dirt… To be used and dumped for there own sexual pleasure… (you are just hurting your self more) Some of these women feel, because of what they must have see or bad experiences by the re mothers or other women while growing up now don’t have value for a man( who can blame them)  But truth is truth no matter how distorted some have made it.

 Because of that they are resentful towards men and refuse to appreciate the difference in the sexes, the responsibility and /or ability. In this PC generation the devil has told a big lie and some have bought into it. Hook line and sinker!

 They say why should we marry?

So what if I have multiple partners, don’t men do the same?

I am using them not the other way round

When and if I want to have a child I will ask a gay friend to help be a sperm donor or go to a sperm bank.

I do not need any man in my life telling what to do!

My child does not have to have father.

 I am financially capable

Women make better lovers

What do I need a man for?

Oh! Woman you have lost your essence

Created you were to give balance

To add fragrance.

 However, you have been lead astray by what you see

By the hurts you experienced, that I never intended for you

Come back home daughter

And claim your crown and garment of honour, dignity and of beauty

Not just a form of outer adorning but of internal too

 Oh! Daughter come back and be that lone star which shines so bright

 Illuminating the path that we may go…

Of a high standard and grace…Ah! GRACE

DO you still know what that word means, daugthers of today?

Ukodo tonight!!

…Introducing an amazing and interesting friend of the family. He is a Doctor, writer, poet, and all round creative person. Meet the author of the popular Psalm 23 in pidgin English   Dr Wilson Orhiunu aka “Babawilly”

For those not familiar with his work here are a couple of teasers from his book of poems titled My Time.

SAM TWENTI TIRI (Psalm 23 )

The Lord is mai shepherd
I dey kampke
He make mi sidon for where betta dey flow
Come put me next to stream wey make mai bodi
Thermacool
He panel beat mai soul come spray am white,
Come dey lead me dey go ni, through express road of righteousness for His name’s sake
Walahi!, if I waka pass where arm robber, 419
And juju pipo borku come even join okada reach valley of the shadow of death sef, mai bodi dey inside cloth. Your rod and staff nko?
Na so-so comfort dem dey comfort me for belle
You don prepare Banga and starch make I chop
All mai enemies dey look anyaya
You anoint me for head wit oil
Mai cup na Ogunpa wey burst im banks
True true, betta life and mercy go gum mai back
Till I quench. And man go tanda for God house sotey sotey; from Lai lai to lai lai.
GOD ALMIGHTI, NA YOU BICO.
2000 – Babawilly.

Another favourite of mine is….

UKODO TONIGHT…..  ( Meal of yams,spices,fish and pepper soup boiled in the same pot, from the Delta of Nigeria )

It’s Ukodo tonight
Finger lickin’ licking good
We are doing alright
You’re my woman
I’m your man
Been at work
Since 9 o’clock
But it’s now 5
Hey!
That boss of mine
Works me to the bone
But it’s now 5
Ahh!
Tonight’s the night
We celebrate our love
You’ve been to Igbudu market
To buy choice yams
Some crayfish
Alligator pepper
And dry fish
I am on my way home
For Ukodo tonight
It’s been 12 months
Since we both said “I do”
Oh, how sweet time flies.
With a candle lit dinner
We are insured against Nepa
Let’s celebrate
We have made it this far
Stir that boiling froth real slow
Yes my appetite is higher
Than any Warri T.V aerial
For Ukodo tonight
I am driving through
the streets of Wari reminiscing
Of how it was at the start
For Mama said
It wouldn’t work
Papa said
It wouldn’t last
Brother said
It wouldn’t work
Sister said
It wouldn’t last
But here we are getting ready
For Ukodo tonight.
The smell fills the compound
Neighbours know what you are cooking
So pull out the phone
And lock the doors
Shut the windows
and draw the curtains
Even if the president comes knocking
We no dey house
For it’s Ukodo tonight
This love grows
Stronger every day
So fan the flames
Of a love
That just wouldn’t die
Soft music plays
As you turn the palm oil
On hot yams so soft
And tender
I’ll rather be no where else
Than here
For Ukodo tonight

February 2001 – Babawilly

More of the same? checkout  Http://Myspace.com/babawilly

Mars and Venus get your act together!

Mars and Venus get you act together…

Every man wants to be “Lord”… like it or lump it PC generation.
A man wants to be a “MAN” why does that sound negative now days when a man says that (if he is able to say it aloud) 
A man wants to feel capable, wants to be the first called to solve a problem especial that of his wife/partner, he want to feel he is in control… tell me why does that sound bad?

Ok… I agree that there has been some who have taken “being a man” to ridiculous levels, to mean dictators, abusers, bullies and tormentors to both male/female, to there children, wives, mothers, and fathers. THey, have helped turn “being a man” to  now sound like a curse word. I am not talking about those men… Infact I cannot call those men but animals in human skin …as Fela would say.

We are living in a time in society now where the sexes have been bluded, there are no defined lines drawn…Men can not be men, women don’t know what it is to be “WOMAN” the roles are all mixed up in the name of civilisation, enlightenment, advancement and lets not forget good old “POLITICAL CORRECTNESS”

Every man want to be respected, honoured, he desires it. Regard is what fuels him knowing that he is relevant and needed, this powers him on… for example, have you noticed how  a man would react in a situation of a car breakdown, especially if there are females around. Even if he has never changed a tyre before or knows nothing about cars, there is something that rises up within him to make sure he looks out for the female present( that is not being male chauvinistic or feel that woman are not capable …it’s just natural ( why fight it ) thinking like this shows how women go to the attack of such action to mean they are weak instead of the feeling of being valued enough to be protected and defended to be looked after and cherished. ( call me old fashioned we need some of that back)

These has sipped into the home and effected the social breakdown of the family (IMHO)
A parent should be made up of “whole” men and “whole” women, but what we have now are confused, unsure, emasculated men that don’t know what being a man is let alone what being a father consist of….we then have women on the other hand who I would say “self abuse” in the sense that they have no self worth or pride in there womanhood that they want to be men, not even in the good sense, but all the negative aspects exaggerated. They brag about how much they drink, there sexual exploit. They have become female larger louts, in the UK there are women that are proud to be called “Laddetts” … they curse more, there morals are worst than that of a street dog!

They believe in the spirit of “what is good for the goose is also good for the gander” NO! It is not!

It has be said “educate a woman you educate a generation” that also applies in proper conduct, behaviour and a healthy self-esteem and self worth.

These women have nothing feminine about them. In the corporate world they are more ruthless than there male counterparts, in marriage they are competing with there husbands to head the home, to make more money than there partner, striving to rise in there career ( all for the wrong reasons) all the time struggling to prove there worth, by doing instead of just being.

The so called “liberated” woman has lost all the grace and instinct of being a woman. She has so liberated herself  that she can not ask for help anymore so she self destructs and carries a whole generation along with her….

 You tell me, how can these two kind of people come together and raise a healthy, well-adjusted family that would effect there society positively?

….a messed up child becomes a messed up man/woman becomes a messed up parent will only add to the society a messed up child, and the circle continues… In addition, we wonder why the world is messed up!

Scenario.

Parents are both chasing money and career, to keep up with the “Jones’s” house help, domestic servant, nanny ( what ever you choose to call them) are raising the children who are always looking like they stepped out of a designers runway, decked in there designer clothes.  After school to be picked up by the driver, only to get home and have dinner prepared and served by the house help/nanny. Tutor comes for an hour (expensive education) the best money can buy!  Mom and dad back from work at 7pm children in bed by 8pm and the circle continues the next morning…
who is raising the next generation?

What do we remember and  hold on to about our childhood? Its not the toys or clothes or what car we were driven in, but (for those who where blessed to have it good) you remember love from your mother, protection from your father, the talks and stories they told, the hugs and the feeling of security around you that gave you the confidence that you could do anything you set your mind to….

Should I go on…No!
I don’t just want to rant and I don’t want it to be said that I was being judgmental, that everyone is entitled to live there life the way they choose….I am all for that, thank God for freedom of speech (that it self was fought a person at a time, but will leave that for another time) All I am asking is that we consider a healthy balance, cos what we do as individuals effects the collective.

We are all responsible for the state of things in the society (good or bad) so if we want a better future for all we would have to take a good look in the mirror and maybe have to re-evaluate some choices and decision.

HouseWife…what a waste!

I have a story to tell…

 

There was a young lady who got married had 4 children, decided to stay at home full time with her children has they grew. Her responsibilities included looking after the home and her husband.

 She was a graduate, very intelligent and business minded, but she loved being at home with the kids and did not see it as a scarifies, she enjoyed having the home just right for when her husband came in…

She had two other friends that where married and had kids… they made fun of her and called her “a kept woman” which she had no problem with, they found the fact that she got an allowance degrading (which she had to correct many a time, that she did not get an allowance)  but had no restrictions to the family finances, as she was responsible for the accounts and making sure the bills where paid.

When ever she was at a function or gathering of her husband clients or work colleagues, in the mist of career women, single and married ones, they always seem to, at first think there was something wrong with her cos, she introduced herself as a homemaker, which always  followed a pause… As if they felt they should speak to are like a child (cos maybe they taught she only understood baby talk) who knows! They would feel there was nothing she could contribute to the discussions.

But as conversation continued they would find out how intelligent and current she was… that would bring the next question…Why are you staying at home? you could get a nanny to do that job. You could be doing better things with yourself, using your degree and earning…  Instead of wasting away at home, and being dependant on your husband for everything.

She asked, tell me what is greater than the privilege to have a hand in bring up the next generation, not just preparing food and feed them, but feeding there minds, body and soul…getting to know your own  child. Experiencing there first experience… Do you think I sit around all day watching “Oprah”?

I enjoy  nothing more thanwatching my husband come home to a hot meal ready and waiting, he is reassured that his children are in the best possible hands.. He comes home to a neat and tidy house… He is not stressed about his home front cos he knows I have it undercover, so his mind is free to deal with the world outside his home; he is energized to go out again… After the world tries to beat him down, he knows his home is secure, safe and looks forward to coming back!

I am more than content she says… the first 5 yrs are important in a child’s development… They are the formative years and that is a part of life to experience too.

There would be stages they will not need me that much, but they would still be secure, reassured and confident to know I will always be there…

I ask what is wrong in being a stay at home mom, a full time mother or let just call it what it is….A HOUSEWIFE?

 

i leave you all to chew on that as i go chillout for the next couple of weeks!

 

An Adoption Story…

I came across this site some time back and was totally blown away by the writing…when I went on to read the other articles to my amazement the author was talking of her process of adopting a child from Nigeria… and yes the couples are Nigerian too!

This is just an introduction of the subject of her and hubby’s adoption of there baby boy “baaboos” ( I just love his little nickname)

 “I am going to Naija in two weeks time, or sha by the end of the month. I should be in Naija until next year. It is going to be hard for Boo and I because he is going to be here most of the time. He will go back and forth. Well, it will be hard for me sha. I don’t know about him. But, I will miss my man, especially because I don’t really know when I will be back exactly. Okay, this is why. I have been hinting you guys about our adoption move. I was not really ready to talk in great detail about it. Even now, I am not really ready. When we went home, we visited a number of orphanages and motherless babies homes with a view to identifying a baby boy for adoption. Yes o, boy. Boo has always wanted a son and I just want a healthy baby. I wanted a daughter first but, where I am at right now, healthy baby will do just fine. There were so many administrative hiccups and a disturbing lack of frankness in certain places we visited. In the end, we identified a baby boy that we liked in a place that we were comfortable with. He is a cute little thing, with long limbs like my Boo. They told us the story of how he came to be there: life is hard. He was crying when we first met him. I wish I could tell you that I carried him and he stopped crying immediately. For where? The small man continued crying, o. It was actually quite embarrassing that he did not take to me, immediately. My Tanzanian friend, Charity and her Dutch husband, Jaab adopted two babies from
Tanzania after trying for years to have kids naturally. When Cha-Cha (as I call her) tells you the story of the adoption of their first child, you will just be crying. She talked about how when she and Jaab went to the orphanage, the baby was crying and as soon as she carried him, he stopped. She says that is how she was sure that that was their baby. Well, this baby did not give me any such assurance. He continued yelling his head off when I carried him. But, Boo and I took a liking to him all the same. I can still hear the sound of his cry now. I think there is a determined strength in that cry. My boisterous little one who will not keep quiet until he gets what he wants. Just in case you are getting any ideas, on that day, what he wanted was food. Eventually, he allowed Boo to give him a bottle”……

 Please go to http://www.nigeriavillagesquare.com/articles/soul-sista-diary and read more.

I recommend Mummy and Baboos   Mixed Blessings, You and Me and Who Said Family is Easy?

I wish you all the best Soul-Sista, Boo and Baboos!

Adoption….An Option

…Back to the topic of the season

I still ask …Is adoption a western idea?

In this series we all are going to be learning together, getting information and hopefully making the awareness of  Orphans, Orphanages, Adoption, Fostering and even Sponsorship ( I’ll elaborate on that much later) in Nigeria. The different types of adoption processes will be discussed as well as the challenges…

I ask, cos I don’t want to be accused of making assumptions..But why is adoption not widely an option to couples that are not able to have children of there own?

Why are Orphanages not given the support needed? Be it financial or just celebrated and encouraged.

Why In a country where there is always a wedding, or some form of celebration going on every weekend…people love to talk about there expensive designer bags, shoes and all…In a country that people go on 2 to 3 holidays a year and not blink at the expense…  looking in the magazines when I was in Lagos …with the cream de le cream styling and profiling and just loving themselves… and I asked; If only people that have contributed/donated (not) even there time but maybe the cost of there “aso ebi” or there trip to Dubai/UK or where else they go.

 …Ok I am going ahead of myself here… will come back to why I think those that have are way to self centred and self obsessed …{ These are all my opinion and not of  Linkachild.org }

 

Very shortly I will be talking to the people in the know, about this issue.. Till then I’ll leave you all with a taste of things to come….

 “Linkachild as an organisation primarily focuses on linking donors with those in need, which in this case are orphanages, invariably we get requests regarding adoption issues, however we are not an adoption agency, we only advise and assist. Presently we have 36 states in
Nigeria and can u imagine that each state has its own different adoption policy, coupled with the fact that the federal government has placed an embargo on inter state adoption. this will give you an idea of how muddled the system is down here, this restrictions came  about  due to many cases of abuse and in some instances rape, forced marriage, abduction and trafficking of adopted children”

 Coming soon a more in depth Interview with BELLO OLUSINA CHRISTOPHER (Linkachild Administrator)   

Ours by choice…The Adoption story

….As Easter (resurrection Sunday) rolls by real soon, I could not help but think about a topic that is dear to my heart; Adoption.
 The process of adoption is when an individual - whether relative or not – assumes parental responsibility for the child of another.
For those that are born of the spirit and “adopted” into the kingdom of God as sons and daughters…we have all and full legal inheritance rights to the kingdom of God, with this we enjoy the privilege of protection and love of the family of God.
Esther was adopted by her uncle Mordecai at the death of her parents; Joseph adopted Jesus as his own in the eyes of man and God which gave Jesus legal claim to the Davidic throne (line of King David)

Adoption is divinely authorised, God-blessed and legally binding means for adding to the family and passing on the family inheritance…

“O redeems those who were under the law, so that we may be adopted as sons with full rights” (Gal 4:5)

“He predestined us to be adopted as his sons through Jesus Christ, in accordance with his pleasure and will” (Eph 1:5)

….Since we know this entire, why is the church not in front leading the idea and issue of adoption.
The prayer lines of those seeking the “the fruit of the womb” grows daily. Women doing all sorts all in the hope of bearing a child.

Please do not get me wrong or feel am being unsympathetic, I have 3 children of mine and could not imagine not being able to have kids of my own, but when I think of all the beautiful babies in orphanages and motherless babies homes my heart aches. and is sadden, these are options that are not even looked into at all, so I ask is adoption a western idea?

 My husband and I are agreed on adopting at least 2 more children to our family and fostering as many as we can…

As you ponder I’ll leave you all with this story based on real events….

Boy crying under a bridge, two women passing by, filled with compassion they stop to ask the boy of about 14yrs what the matter was?
The boy explains that he was brought from the village to work as a house help (servant) and had to runaway because he was being maltreated. Not having anyway to go back home, for he had no home to go back to, no family that wanted him or cared.
The sister asked if he would go with them, one of the sisters, the older one asked him to come and stay with her whom he agreed.
As time went on the boy again was being mistreated by the older sister, he complained to the younger sister who too could see the treatment he was receiving and was not happy about it. The younger of the sisters took the boy into her own home after convincing her husband to agree ( he was concerned that they knew nothing about this boy) the younger of the sisters and her family lived in a humble 3 bedroom flat with 4 children at the time, both couple were bankers.
In the evenings the boy went to night school, and progress to study accounting, through all this time he was still serving the family…he had become part of the family, not a houseboy, to the point that when 3 other children were born in the family he practically raised them, the kids were so close to him that most nights the 2 younger ones were found sleeping in his bed … (they never knew him as nothing else but there big brother).
That was how things continued, they boy grew to a responsible young man and the sister helped him get his first job as an office junior in the bank she worked in. As time went and he graduated, the Youngman got a job with a bank and gradually progress and promoted into management and was doing well for him self….
When it was time to marry the younger sister and husband stood as Mother and father for him in marrying his wife, by default he had became the first child of the family …he help build the couple, who have now became family, there first house, he looked and is still looking after them, all his children refer to his adopted parents as Grandma and Grandpa.
 As the children grew they started asking questions (as children do) …”If you are my daddy’s mother and father why do we have different surnames”? This was the same question the younger sisters’ children asked to…why did you and daddy never legally adopted “Big brother”?
 
One of the children believed that the Nigerian mentality would not have allowed it… the extended family (who did not even know it was the Youngman that built the house they live in now) were showing concern that this Youngman is not your blood child, how will you let him inherit your property…or why would you bring him to family meeting as you first son?

So I ask can we truly adopt in Nigeria?

Can you only love your blood child/ children?
What will happen to all the children in orphanages around the country?
Why are couples that can’t have children not adopting as an option?
Is adoption a western idea?More on Adoption, Fostering  and more information on orphanages nearest to you, please contact www.linkachild.org

My Milestones…My Joy…

By Opeyemi Fadipe.

I do not believe in reincarnation like some do but if reincarnation happens to be a reality then my cycle will be woman, woman, and woman all the way. For so many women the popular belief is that it is a man’s world. I hear such women say that given the chance to relive they will rather come as men. I do not blame them as these women have several reasons behind their opinion. But then I find it ridiculous to believe. Why on earth will a woman want to be a man? I still have not found a single reasonable reason to think that way.
Personally I have no regrets being a woman.
Womanhood is a covered calabash which when opened emits radiance, joy, happiness, fun, laughter and a lot of hope.
For a lot of women, womanhood would have been so beautiful had the natural occurrences been absent. I once heard my younger sister say, ‘how I wish I do not menstruate’ forgetting that it is a sign that someday life will germinate in that same stomach.
Contrary to popular feminine opinion, I believe women will appreciate their lives, milestones and enjoy womanhood much better when we begin to savor the honey at the core of our seemingly painful milestones. We need to relish the joys, pleasures that lie deep in our challenges. Of a truth, our challenges far outweigh those of our mothers and grandmothers but God has so endowed us with joys that do not fade as the years go. The joys and happiness that lie deep within our challenges are not ephemeral. They are such that we remember so many years afterwards and we still smile heartily.
Can you remember the day as a baby your ear was pierced? Possibly not but I believe if babies could talk you would have told the next baby boy to you how lucky he was not to be a girl. But here you are today adorning yourself with lots of beautiful jewelry in that same hole that was created painfully. That imaginary baby boy friend of yours could today probably be among those guys who want to put on earrings to look trendy.
I am quite sure you have not forgotten those days when your nanny or hairdresser would force your head into her laps to plait your hair. Most of us never liked those women but we turn our heads several times to see whose looking at our hairstyles.
Sometimes at the age of twelve, I discovered I had some pains on two particular spots in my chest. It was so painful that I did not hesitate to tell my mum it must be cancer. You can imagine how she laughed and like most Yoruba women told me those two thins will eventually send me out of my father’s house. Today it’s a reality; I am out of my father’s house living happily with my own man. Those two growths accentuated my figure so much that the opposite sex could not resist me. It contributed to my beautiful body framework.
Early one morning I woke up restless, feeling different, vomiting and running high temperature. I felt I was not myself anymore. It became so uncomfortable and I found myself in front of a doctor’s desk, only to be told that I have a new life growing inside of me. Is it how it begins?
Several months passed and I still feel I am not my original self, tummy bulges; appetite becomes wild and one day a terrible pain sets in that makes me feel I was going to die. I screamed and shouted and groaned and did all sort. For hours the pain persisted and then minutes later I heard the cry of a baby. The life that began to grow forty weeks ago had finally become a complete human being coming out of this stomach of mine???? It’s simply incredible.
The children grow and become matured boys and girls and then one day my daughters come home with one his friends as usual. This time they relate so closely I got uncomfortable and then my daughter opened that same small mouth she used to cry when I brought her to this planet to tell me, Mummy, this is the man I want to marry!! She seems so excited about it but it was so painful to me. Does it mean this girl doesn’t enjoy my company any longer or don’t I care enough? All questions, no answers and then the great day came. We gave our daughter out in marriage and every other woman glared at me in envy. Some couldn’t hide it. ‘Aren’t you a lucky mother?’ they asked.
That evening I flashed back at my life from the beginning at least from when I could remember and I found out it has always taught me a lesson: In the life of every woman there is no gain without a pain. Just as it happens in our natural milestones, our experiences generally teach this same lesson.
We should learn not to shy from challenges rather face them. We should learn to take the bull by the horns, take hold of every opportunity and make the best of it. We should bear in mind at all times that at the end of every tunnel in our lives; there is a bright ray of light.
One more thing to be remembered, gold in its raw state is unattractive but after each round of treatment in the fire (not in an air conditioner) it shines better and better and better……
YOU CAN CHOOSE TO SHINE AGAINST ALL ODDS!!!!!!

www.womanconnect.blogspot.com.
www.train4fortunes.com/femmelounge

Love vs Feeling…

 Love is demonstrative, it’s active, because we have been and are loved by God.
It did not say you love because you feel like only.  or love only those that deserve your love, but love without expecting anything in return. By the way Love has been described as a human experience that is manifested in feelings be it in behaviour, emotion or attitude to others in relationship or of one’s self.
The bible says Love is an attitude and action that is not determined by feelings or positive response from others deserving or undeserving. We can’t talk about Love and not quote 1 Corinthians 13:4-8
 
 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, and it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, and always perseveres. Love never fails.
 
  Love is more than a feeling!
 
That can only be possible if you operate in God’s kind of love(Agape). The other kinds of love are a lot more based on Feelings, a more self centred love-sexual desire and physical craving, Erotic love (Eros).  Affections in a loving concern to a friend, brotherly- love (Phileos)

When we realize that the best, safest  kind of love is the God kind, not one base on feeling, cos feelings are changeable, unstable and can’t be truly trusted. They have the ability of distorting the truth.
Feelings are good indictors of Love, but still that can be tested…..
lets look at marriage which is made up of two people committed to one another in Love not feelings…..Marriage is not sustained by just the feelings you get in the earlier days of courtship, when your man/woman walks in to a room or you think about them….. :)  Remember when you were dating, and your partner could not upset, cos you felt so happy! looking in to there eyes and dreaming of a future with them forever…when he picks from your food at dinner you thought it was oh! so cute  …but couple of year into marriage that same thing you found cute now irritated you so!…

Well feelings will not keep you married for long, cos you are guaranteed to have bumps along the way … In fact you will feel hate for your partner at some time in the journey of  your marriage.
So what holds a marriage and keeps it strong during the times of shaking? …. but a vow, a commitment, a decision.
Love is not optional….Feelings are…Love is foundation, a corner stone nothing can be built without it….Feeling are ever changing.

 So what do you pick??
 

Single but not alone!

What does it mean to be single?  (To be separate, unique and whole)
The Bible says I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wow! God took his time to create me. There can be only one “me” I am one of a kind.
Even Identical twins, who my look alike still have things that they will differ on, No two fingerprints are the same. No two experiences are the same, that’s what makes me who I am.
When I stand before God, He sees me, a separate individual whether I am married or not.
Many single people are in a hurry to be married and see there singleness as a negative state, especial after a particular age (dare I say). They feel they would be complete once they are married (as if marriage validates you as a person)
When you enter marriage as your salvation to wholeness and believe your spouse will Complete you or make you secure in yourself…you put pressure on the spouse and you being the end of the marriage.
If you are not comfortable with your individuality, I am sorry to say you are not ready to be married.

When last did you date yourself?
That sound funny but just think about it?
Do you need people to validate you all the time?  Do you need other people to motivate you to enjoy yourself?
Can you sit in a restaurant or coffee bar by yourself and still feel comfortable?
When last did you look in the mirror and just say to the reflection Man! Or Lady! You are “too fine”, “you are all that a bag of chips”. What I’m trying to say is pay yourself  complements. (Once you know you are fine, any other complement is purely an addition to what you know about yourself) The power of your self esteem should be in your hands.
If you disrespect or have a poor image of yourself, you will only course people to treat you that way…So love yourself even with all its flaws. Remember you are unique and anyhow, don’t you know confidence is sexy!
 
What does alone mean? (Isolated or secluded) 
A single person that is content and whole dose not needs to be alone, cos that is how you can get isolated. Instead make friends and enjoy there company, but find the balance and not get dependent on having people around you all the time, that is how you could end up in an unhealthy relationship that allow other people take advantage of you, because they know you depend on there presence.
Let God be the lover of you soul, your companion and friend in the times loneliness…Enjoy your singleness, develop your self find out what makes you tick, what you like and not like and let you Life partner meet you along the way of discovering “you” in the relationship with your heavenly Father.
Partners, be it male or female are to do nothing but complement you and not complete you….remember you are WHOLE!
 They are to be nothing more than help that is suitable and fit (help-meet)
Allow God present your partner to you.
Be friends first. That is the foundation to a good marriage, someone you can laugh freely with, someone you can be yourself and not feel you have to watch yourself or feel like your walking on egg shells around.
God has given us free will to chose, so when you are presented by the one, you still have the choice to choose…God will not make you do anything.

Even Adam had a choice to reject Eve when God presented her. I don’t see anywhere (please correct me if I am wrong) in the Bible where God told Adam meet your wife! (He identified her)
I personally use to believe the “only one person for me” syndrome, when you see him my heart will stop skip a beat and all that romance novels stuff…One Mr/Miss Right, but NO! There are many “right” people who will be presented to you….How you choose to develop and establish the relationship is all yours!
Please don’t get over spiritual about it (many marriages have been broken that either partners or one said” God told me you’re my wife/husband”) apply common sense with spiritual maturity before you say “I DO”
Begin please by enjoying your singleness and individuality, let that complement your relationship with others around you, be it friend or family

There is more to me….

As I was thinking of what to write on my post, feeling a little bit overwhelmed with my life at the moment….good kind of overwhelmed. I have been stepping out and doing things that I would not have normally thought were my strength… Look at this, I have my own blog up, not just that, I am writing on other blogs too www.deoluakinyemi.com/emotional-recharge.

Wow! did I say writing? Coming from a girl that was afraid of anything that had to do with reading or writing. I am finding out how much I enjoy telling stories and putting my daydreams to paper. I am finding out there is more to me… Enjoy this poem of mine, it’s one that does remind me that there is more to me and there can be more to you.

I know it’s addressed to my sister’s but I know my brother’s too will be able to appreciate it and hopefully appreciate the females in there lives…

I AM MORE!!!

I’m more than your daughter, your sister, your wife, your mother, your friend your lover, your confidant
I am of royal lineage and a priestly one too.
The evil one comes cunning and whispers words that lead to strife, worry, low self esteem NO!
You chose me from the creation of time;
I’m whole, of purpose and of excellence

I’m more than your…

I was made, created, fashioned, cultivated, planned (not an after thought) and supervised by God to be ezer (helper) to the kingdom.
I am valuable to God,
I am somebody not to be used and abused….
Capable, intelligent, virtuous I am;
Who can find me?
Only in Christ for God’s glory.

I’m more than your…

The evil one whispers….
You’re too short, too tall, too fat, too skinny, too loud, too quiet, too shy, too out spoken,
have an accent, not qualified, too qualified, too old, too young…have nothing to offer
(A LIE) for I’m adorned with glory, power, majesty my true beauty…the essence of me.
In me is trust, peace, love and life.

I’m more than your…

Greater is he that is in me…
I have so much inside, to be birthed, walked out, exercised and then refilled;
My assignment? God’s plan, to use this ‘building” for His Kingdom.
Setting my affection, looking to the Kingdom first my Lord provides all, all that I would ever need.

I’m more than your…

For when you see me you see Him in all His glory;
when I speak you hear His words cutting and dividing the word of truth, as it should.

For…

I AM MORE! I AM MORE!!!
I AM OF ROYAL BLOOD
I AM OF A ROYAL FAMILY
I AM OF A ROYAL KINGDOM AND A PRIESTLY ONE TOO.

Check out  www.refinedonelyrics.wordpress.com